I feel it coming in advance.
I feel it coming like a grey cloud in the distance – not a rain cloud bursting to water the earth. Just a grey one that hangs over the day.
I feel it coming, wrapping around my heart – my soul.
I feel it coming the day before, or two days before. It starts out as a curious lightness, a tiredness with a red drop of anxiety at its heart. It starts out as a feeling of falling behind, of not having enough.
But it still feels like a surprise when I wake up and it is there beside me. The Unbearable.
The Unbearable has no cause that I can find. It comes after a long weekend in the sunshine. It comes after a thrill of energy related to exciting new things about to be born in my life. It comes despite the healing I have been gifted by God and the lessons I have learnt about myself. There is no new tragedy.
By the time it is upon me it is too late to fight it. I am thoroughly lost in it. Not the panicked, lamenting, angry kind of lost that screams for help or looks for the way out. The numb kind of lost. The giving up. Coasting in neutral. Going nowhere. Utterly detatched.
I do get up. I do start to get ready for my day at work. I make myself eat breakfast and I do my Bible Study. But then something just gives up. I go back to bed. I hope that when I wake up the Unbearable will be gone.
I wake up exhausted. I don’t know what I do after that. I can remember little. At some point during the day I surface enough to take the dog out for a walk. He is excited but I don’t get far – my mood changes from small surges of energy to feeling utterly tired, waves of dizziness flowing over me. The fresh air helps, a little. The dog is confused when I turn around again.
Going out is a risk. What do people see when they see me with my Unbearable? Am I safe?
Someone once gave me a purple flowing scarf to represent God’s covering over me. I wear it. I know that God is always present, but today I need a sign. When people look, I tell myself that God has me in his protection, that they can’t touch me.
Later, I feel it ebbing. Thank you. It is slow. It might be gone by tomorrow.
Please Lord, not another day of the Unbearable!
Let the cloud release the tears. Let me cry.
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?